What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 22.06.2025 13:24
What did i know ?
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
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As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But ive been too sick for many years..
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I did it because my mum asked me too!
I was very sick at this time too.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
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She wouldn,t have been !
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I never cut or harmed myself..
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I had hoped to write a book about this .
I will be 64.
Ive learnt so much.
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His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Why do foolish atheists think their strange delusional theories are facts?
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
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And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
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So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
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I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
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We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
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19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
It was going to be , some day.
So, i spoilt her more .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Im still living with it.
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Why did i forgive my father ?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
As i do to all so called friends.?
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
We all went to grammer schools
This is soul school!.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
And i lived it daily.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I was scared of men, in general
When she asked me how she looked .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
We were not on the streets..
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She was in good health!
My family never makes their pension either.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I could never make a relationship work though!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I said to her
I write beautiful poetry .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I couldn’t, believe it.
He resisted the act ,that day.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
One cannot live in the past .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I was 9 years of age.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He knew the spot.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
She found it foreign!.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
(And it was in our own minds.)
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Was to survive, this bastard.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
All the time i was locked up.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Put me off passion for life!!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
She loved him until the end.
But it wasn’t much.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Especially a lifetime of it.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
My life is so biszare .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
So whats the point in blame.
I waited trembling.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Would this be the day?
I was seconnd youngest,
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Comes on , in middle age.
I have no regrets .
Who then, do I blame.?
I don,t even have a pension.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I think the readers, may guess!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
She married twice! .
But, we were locked up after school.